so now it hits?
Tonight I was chatting with Michelle on gmail…this is our conversation:
me: i am SO FUCKING SICK of this fucking stoma
Michelle: the stoma? oh no what’s going on
me: just sick of it
Michelle: bubs I am sorry
me: i’m in a funk lol
Michelle: sigh stoopid stoma
me: everything sucks … it’s SO not like me
Michelle: I know what it is
me: what?
Michelle: it is the last year and a half catching up with you. I mean really catching up with you. You have overcome a lot – you have pushed yourself in bursts – hard bursts of energy and grabbed onto it (as you should) but you are still settling into the new – you – and what it all means – Dave accepted you unconditionally and now you just have to too – it takes time sister and I know it easier said than done – I don’t accept me so really I am in no position to tell you what you need to do
me: that might just be…it makes sense
Michelle: plus it is dark earlier – holidays are coming, you miss your parents – and as great as Dave is, adjusting to someone around ALL the time (the post honeymoon) is an adjustment even when it is good
me: makes me feel guilty lol
Michelle: nope don’t go there … every good relationship needs time to breathe. you need to adjust to the new you as you, not as you and Dave – give yourself a little credit
me: that’s a tough one, but i’ll try. i like what you had to say tho
Michelle: it is so true you went from loss of your dad – to cancer – to cancer – to holy scary – to OMG I am alive and Dave this awesome guy loves me
me: it kind of validates my feelings…i feel guilty for dwelling on it…”think of the good things” people say
Michelle: you never had any – “quiet / wow I survived / I have to adjust to my stoma” time. oh GOD I want to punch those people. THAT is exactly what I mean when I say I cant stand people who are all sunshine all the time. OF COURSE you are thankful for the good things. BUT we are all entitled to feel bad when we feel bad and honestly if we push it away it doesn’t go away – we have to feel it – acknowledge it for what it is and accept that it is OK – then move on
me: well then I’ll do my best. ironically, i was looking at facebook a bit ago and a friend had posted this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqiVuKdOhr8&feature=player_embedded#
James Taylor – Angry Blues / The Twist
Sent at 9:00 PM on Monday
Michelle: Angry Blues
(James Taylor)
I can’t help it if I don’t feel so good
I can’t help it if I don’t feel so good
If I had my way
I’d be sitting on the top of the world
I can’t help it if I don’t feel so good
When the anger comes in him
There’s no place for a man to hide
When the anger comes in him
There’s no place for a man to hide
Would he do anything in the world
To make him feel better inside
When the anger comes in him
There’s no place for a man to hide
Gonna sit back here
Gonna watch this cloud roll by
The next time that you see me
I should be shining like the Fourth of July
Gonna sit back here
Gonna watch this cloud roll by
I ain’t lookin’ for details
Won’t you just give me a clue
Oh Lord what am I gonna do
Posted in it's all about me | 15 Comments
November 29th, 2010 at 11:35 pm
That is one wise friend.
November 30th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Michelle is like a guru or something.
ILY. AAL.
November 30th, 2010 at 7:32 am
Michelle is good. real good. her words work for everyone…hang on to her, my friend.
(and did you twist? i did. all around the kitchen. it helps. it really does.) <3
November 30th, 2010 at 8:09 am
Michelle is wise and you are wonderful. Funks are allowed.
November 30th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Can I just say “Ditto!” over and over again?
Also, you are still in my prayers.
November 30th, 2010 at 10:28 am
I’m all for wallowing in a funk or self-pity for a bit. To my mind you never get past it until you let yourself feel it.
November 30th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Honey, you have always been so brave for every one else, and right now, you have to step back and feel all those angry feelings you have.
Michelle is wonderful, because she listened and she didn’t say what you wanted her to, but she gave it to you exactly as it is! Love that woman!
One thing to remember, there are those of us that are so frigging grateful every single day that you are here with us today! What would we have done without you?
HUGS!!!
November 30th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
The holidays are the roughest time of year. *hugs* And you’ve had one hell of a year! xoxo!
November 30th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
HUGS!!!
November 30th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
That is one smart friend! Go have your funk, we’ll just wait
November 30th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
You know I am one of those obnoxiously positive happy people. But I firmly believe you have to let yourself feel what you feel when you feel it. And sometimes it’s not all sunshine & puppies. I have down days. I have moods. I have have days where I am more clouds than sunshine. I let myself have those days, remembering that suppressing it is just going to end up allowing it to fester & eventually I’m going to have to acknowledge it & feel it. Better to do it now & just remind myself not to dwell on it beyond a healthy amount of time so I don’t get angry & bitter. (((HUGS)))
November 30th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
clearly i don’t need to reiterate what everyone else has said…but i will. yes. to all of it.
November 30th, 2010 at 6:04 pm
I am so glad you are sharing how you feel – we all are here for you to vent, whatever. Sometimes you have to feel it to let it pass, sometimes you have to be in it for it to be over, and sometimes you just have to talk it out and realize that you are not alone.
December 1st, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Thank you for sharing your smart and wise friend’s words with us…
Hang in there. xoxoxo
December 2nd, 2010 at 3:27 pm
michelle is one wise lady! we have to honor all of our emotions, the positive and not so positive. it is how we are able to move past them.
you have been through a lot in a short amount of time. you are strong and capable, but it is okay to step back and go whoa. and let whatever is present wash over you.
i like her phrase of ‘letting emotions breathe.’ i am going to remember that.